, And we’re off to another start of the school year!Yes, I know for some of you classes have been in session for over a month now, while some of you just started a few weeks ago.Whatever the day, you all have this in common…school’s in full swing, and the homework and running to every practice and event is already exhausting! I hear ya baby!Take a deep breathe, drink some water, sit on the couch for 30 seconds and get up and get dinner made!Gosh darn it!Goodness sakes, it really feels never ending! That’s why pizza is my best friend! It’s quick, fast, and I can make two at a time in my toaster oven if I must! Or pick it up or have it delivered! It’s a beautiful thing.
Ok, now that my pizza commercial is done, I’d like to give you 3 quick tips to help with parenting those wonderful teens and all the activities they do throughout the school year.
1. For real you gotta take care of yourself first and foremost. Giving yourself a few moments alone, even if it’s sitting outside for fresh air, that in itself has a lot of refreshing in it. But may I suggest you do this without being on your phone. Oh, I know, that may get some of you right in the heart. But sit and take in the sounds and let the air refresh you. Believe me you need that more than you need your phone.
2. Now matter how late it is or tired you may be, listen to your teen. Yes, it seems like your teen wants to talk and pour their lil heart out to you when it’s late at night and they should be sleeping!Remember: they don’t want you to FIX the situation. They want you to LISTEN to what they are saying and feeling about the situation.They just want to talk sometimes, and you need to let them.Silence is golden. Don’t confuse this with the silent treatment. Silence is golden because you don’t always have to say something. It’s not about having the last word or any word for that matter.
3. Stay up and wait for your teen to come home.Hey be on the couch or the recliner sleeping if you must!But do it!It matters!This does a few things for you: 1. You know when they get home. 2. You know the state they are in when they get home. 3. You can talk with them about how the night went while it’s fresh in their mind. Waiting till the next day seems to cause a lot of memory loss.And hey, you just may get more of a response then “fine” because you stayed up to find out how the game or whatever they were doing went.
Summertime is officially here!! WOO HOO! Who doesn't like longer days of sunshine, fun, and staying up late?! And with those longer days, we get even longer nights with our lovely teens. Teenagers sleep till who knows what time in the afternoon and only get up to lounge on the couch for hours, waiting for the evening festivities to begin. Teen summer nights are packed with lots of food, movies, friends, video games and whatever else they decide to do until the wee-hours!
Even though it's summertime and happy days, you don't stop having rules and things for your teens to do around the house! You don't have to be the no fun zone kill joy, but you can leave a list of some things for your wonderful kids of any age to do. BEFORE they go anywhere, have someone over, watch TV, a movie, or play video games, there is nothing wrong having them complete chores. The beauty is you are still the boss! Enjoy that while you can! Now being "the boss" doesn't mean bossy! That's not the same thing. Teens do not respond well to "bossy." Let's be honest, does anyone for that matter?! Sure don't! You can sit down together and make a "Things to Do" list over food, ice-cream or some treat you all like. Let them be involved in making the list as much as possible. This gives them ownership. You will be amazed at how much they will actually accomplish because they helped make the list. When teens feel they are in charge, trust is created and reciprocated. If they get an attitude, remember to be calm, relaxed, and keep your own attitude in check.
After they have been accomplishing their tasks, make sure you acknowledge their effort and tell them thank you. Giving complements is necessary, in order to encourage them! You may be thinking, "No one ever tells me thank you for doing what needs to be done. I just do it!" I'd like to say on behalf of your family, thank you for everything you do! We all do so many things that go unnoticed, and we are way under appreciated!! I can't even stress that enough! But when you show appreciation and encouragement to your teen, natural motivation kicks in. It shows them how to respect and encourage in return. And hey, you just may get some gratitude back! More than likely, they will not show the gratitude to you the same day so don't get mad. That doesn't mean you stop encouraging and appreciating what they are getting done. Some day, they will show how much they appreciate you and what you do for them. How soon? Great question! Lead by example and don't give up!
Another summertimeteen fun activity is hanging out with friends. We all love having a good time, but everyone doesn't always have the same idea of a good time. We as parents can get a bit relaxed on allowing our teens more time together than necessary in the summer. What happens to our parenting radar in the good o'l summer heat? We absolutely need to pay attention to who our teens hang out with and the one on one time spent together with the opposite sex. Babies are made in the Summer time too! Girls wearing bikini's, tiny shirts, and bootie shorts make it very difficult for guys not to look at what is being reveled, while guys have their shirts off showing off those six pack abs. Girls are not afraid to be flirting and touching those muscles and asking for phone numbers getting Instagram and Snapchat info.
Trust your parenting instinct, and be strong enough to say "NO" when you know you should! Hold boundaries even if they don't like it! "Good kids" get caught in the trap of raging hormones just like the "bad kids." Our job as parents is to protect them from the harsh world, while teaching them to respect themselves and others as we show them how to be productive and considerate citizens of society.
What one word comes to mind, that gets more attention than any other word the moment it's said? I'm pretty sure you guessed it! Sex! Yes, the word "sex" seems to get more heads turning and ears perking then any other word. Sex is an act that can be harmful, or pleasant. It's a topic parents dread, and churches fear. It’s on our phones, in our video games, books, magazines, movies, tv, schools, home and conversations. It’s all around, open and hidden. It strikes curiosity, causes shame, blame and secrets. It can be used for love, sold, taken or given for free.
With sex being in our face on a regular basis, how do we handle talking about it to our teens? Have we become desensitize to the sexualized culture that we think seeing it everywhere is ok? IF you choose NOT to have a conversation about sex with your teen or even pre-teen, for that matter, I can pretty much guarantee they WILL get information from somewhere! How accurate “that information is” is another story. We have done such a disservice to our young people by NOT sharing with them what should be shared. One reason we don't talk about "sex" with our teen is, well hey its awkward. And if we close our eyes long enough and turn away from the conversation, it may just go away! WRONG! Nice try! That doesn't stop them from having questions! But will it stop you from having answers?
Should our teens be having sex or not? Some people think they "need experience" so when they get married they will know what to do. Other's say, "all teens have sex, so what does it matter." What do YOU say? Because it really does matter! Your teen really does want to hear from you, their parent, on the subject. Even if they act like they don't! They may not come right out and say, "Hey, could you talk to me about sex, and should I be having it?" That doesn't mean they don't want to know what you have to say.
I've had a seventh grade boy tell me, his dad gave him a box of condoms for him to keep in his draw so he wouldn't have to ask his dad for condoms when he decide to have sex.
I heard a sophomore girl from a Christian school, talk very loud and proud about all the things she had done sexually. Her parents didn't know, but everyone else did!
I've seen the face of sophomore guys in shock after seeing a sexual exposer chart as one guy whispered under his breath,"I've had so many partners the number is not even on the chart".
I've heard many guys and girls tell me about their addiction to porn with the easy access from their smart phone, as well as girls sending nude pics because the guy asked and she trusted him.
I've heard the sorrow of many heartbroken girls and guys after they've given themselves away to someone they thought cared.
So many stories, and so many lives, some with STD's/STI's, pregnancy, abortion, fear, pain, broken hearts, shattered dreams, and for what? For a quick moment of so called pleasure, that has left so many young people broken and with regret.
Many teens have suffered because they have believed the lies that sex before marriage is not harmful and you should do it if you "love" the person or hey because you just want too. I gotta ask, how many people did you "love" when you were a teen? How long did that "love" last? How long did it actually take you to really know what "love" is? For some adults they are still trying to figure that out! Sex isn't meant for "love" it's meant for pleasure in a faithful marriage relationship because of "love".
I know and understand that it can be difficult to talk to your kids about the big "S" word. The sex talk doesn't have to be something you sit down with your child for countless hours of uncomfortable conversation. Don't make it any more awkward then it already is by not knowing what to say or by lack of accurate information. Get prepared by getting informed. That in itself will build your confidence in having chats about sex with your teen and pre-teen. Remember IF YOU don't someone will!!
Connecting: this word and action has definitely taken a different meaning and direction within the last few years! We now "connect" with "friends" on all sorts of social media avenues, and we are always looking for new "friends" to "connect" and share our life stories with. Which hey, can be fun not to mention time consuming, life absorbing, and battery draining!
Social media is fun, because we all love to be entertained! I know I do!!! Movies are my first choice, if you must know! And what better way to be entertained than with the wonderful smart phone we all have come to love and adore that never has to leave our hands. It has crept its way into our lovely lives from kids to adults to "connect" us to family, friends and then some...so we think!
Whats YOUR dinner table like now because of the addition of smart phones to your family? Do you even sit at a dinner table together? IF you do, is everyone too busy on their devise doing their own thing, that they don't even notice whose at the table? Remember not so long ago, you used to tell your teens "No phones at the table"? And how mad you were that you even had to say that, because you couldn't understand what the big obsession was with their phone, but now you are the one who has your phone at the table and everywhere else. My the times...very short times, have changed!
Can anyone even recall a life before the era of SMART PHONES?! Wait...I may have a slight, very slight recollection of my life and how insignificant it was, even though I didn't know it, before I fell into the SMART PHONE ball and chain trap! It all seemed, much more, hmmmm...what's the word, FREE! No wonder I don't want to remember those relaxing days. Because what is supposed to make our life easier has some how made us addicted to what we now call "connected".
I'd like to talk about another way of connecting, one that has lost a bit of its flare. Why? Because it isn't with the latest pic, video, or phrase as you scroll your life away. The in person, face to face, real life conversation with a tangible human being is a vital way of connecting but is quickly becoming obsolete and actually even striking fear in some people. Crazy, I know, but true!
We must be conscious of our time on our phones and start pouring into the lives of those around us. We still only get one life! WE still lead by example. Teens do need you to talk to them in a real life, face to face conversation with real life wordsfrom your mouth as well as actual eye contact. They still need physical and mental connections with you as their parent, grandparent, relative, and friend. Believe it or not! It's so important now more than ever to find out what interests them, besides social media. How are we training the next generations?
This will not be an easy task, just to let you know! First of all, you, we, the adult, has to get off our phone long enough to even notice that our kids are on theirs and realize we may have an addiction ourselves. And that in itself is hard to admit, without pointing to someone else to say how much they are on their phone! That finger pointing game, for some reason makes us feel better about ourself not being as bad as they are. Once you come to terms with your own smart phone addiction you may now address your teen! Sit down and have a chat about what the plan is to getting back to connecting with each other. Get their opinion at what you can do together to keep everyone off the phone and engaged in real life and come to a good compromise. Doing it together helps take the dramatics level down. Still be prepared for them to freak out and get mad because you are taking their phone away, and thats not fair! That tends to happen when we don't want to let go of something we hold so tightly. Be calm and talk about new guidelines you will have for their phones and yours. Times you won't have them on, like meal time because that will now be family time. And make it just that, by talking, yes talking at the dinner table, about their day, whats going on at school, etc. and LISTEN! Laugh and have a good time making memories at the table! Maybe you will collect all phones by 9:00 pm, and when they say, I need it for my alarm, hand them an actual alarm clock that has batteries in it already. They WILL fight you on this! Boy will they fight! Hey, they did live without a phone not to long ago and were completely fine, breathing, walking and talking. They will learn that again. I say LEARN because it is all learned behavior, that now has to be unlearned! It WILL take time, but when you look back at your decisions to do these things to truly re-connect your family, you will NOT be disappointed that you did them. Despite the struggle to get back to where you and your teen were before those darn SMART PHONES!
Continue to find fun new ways to connect to the people who live with you! Have a jar for everyone to put three or more fun activities in and each week draw one out and do it. Ask them what they would like to do, within reason of course, and do it! You may have to tell them to get off the couch and turn the tv off because we are going to go for a walk, play catch, ride bikes, make cookies, get ice cream, or whatever it is, and don't take NO for an answer. Be on purpose, and have fun, because it matters!
Most people may think they know why I had kids. They may think, well its because I got pregnant at 17 and choose to keep my baby, which is right! And they may think, it wasn't to long after I had my first child, I was pregnant with my second child! And that again is correct! Which by the way is NOT uncommon for teens to have a second baby right away! Sad to say! I was the typical statistic, that most teen moms will become pregnant again, shortly after having a first baby/pregnancy. I get it when people say, "uh, you'd think she'd know how this happens!" Oh I know now! And I'd like to say I was "smart" enough to know back then! Really it's not about being "smart" its about many things...like what are your standards, convictions and beliefs. I had standards, convictions and believed I would not have sex until I was married! But because of the constant pressure of being asked to give "it" up, I finally caved and gave in (which is another story).
But now I have two incredible daughters who are not only bright and beautiful, but are highly intelligent and educated, and who are savvy in the English grammar! Unlike their mother! And now the truth comes out and I must confess, the reason I have kids, is so they may help me with my writing grammar as well as edit almost everything I write! Almost because they don't edit my blog...yet! So with that said, apologizes are given for past, present and future mistakes I will be making like, many incorrect sentences, misspelled and miss placed words and anything else that doesn't look or sound like it should!
I'm thankful God blessed me with children who paid attention in English class!
When I look back at when my girls were growing up, and I recall the different stages of each and every age. I personally feel the most difficult ages for me to parent was, seventeen…the "I'm almost an adult" too eighteen…”I AM an adult" too nineteen…the "I'm almost NOT a teen," and the attitude of…”You can't tell me what to do,”for all those ages! I gotta tell ya, at times I felt like I wanted to go Ninja on them, talk about pushing my buttons and me going from 0 to 100 in ninety seconds or less! I got to that point because I allowedmy girls to get the best of me! Is what I had to do was, re-evaluate and re-adjust my parenting, once again. But this time it was a little different because they were actually right! They were almost an adult at seventeen, and they were an official-legal adult at eighteen, and they were about to be out of the teen years at nineteen! The one area they were notright in, was the, "You can't tell me what to do" area. The reason why they were not right is a few reasons, but before I tell you the reasons, I have to say this, you can't have the same "attitude" as your teen or young adult, and expect them to listen. Pull it together, and be the (bigger) adult…I had too! I had to stop saying over and over again the words, "As long as you live in MY house, Oh yes I can, and WILL tell you what to do!" I had to change my prideful attitude again, and say that same thing, just in different words, actions, AND tone IF I wanted to be effective, and I did want to be effective. With that said…
If they are living in your home you can tell them what to do. You tell them, respectfully. They will listen to you better if you treat them like an adult. NOT talking down to them disrespectfully. Who wants to be treated like you don't know anything, and your opinion doesn't matter? YOU?! Sure don't! So don't do it to your teens!
Don’t be afraid to set guidelines and boundaries! Personally, I feel IF they are living in your home, at any age, you have a right to set guidelines, (not “rules”) guidelines, IF you choose. IF you do NOT choose to set guidelines, then don’t get upset if they are NOT doing what you want or expect them to do! Uh, how are they to know IF you NEVER talked about it! With age comes more responsibility. Not everyone knows that.
Step back and read between the lines of what your seventeen to nineteen year old is saying. Even your young adult who isn't a teen anymore, whether they live with you or not. Here is what I noticed when I stepped back and looked at what my teens/young adults were saying behind their words, I realized and saw the insecurity and fear of, oh no I'm almost an official adult!What do I do!Sometimes they want the freedom of an adult without the responsibility of an adult. And it's up to us as parents to teach them how to live as a responsible, productive member of society. Without them feeling we owe them till the day we die. Because we don't. The only thing we owe them is, our love and with that comes respect, and this can be life changing when we give it. One thing I will always remember my dad saying, "No matter what you do, I will always love you."And he held up to those words till the day he died.
Regardless of the age of difficulty for you, remember to stay strong, and know you can and should stand up to your teen in LOVE and humility. Do not allow them to walk all over you and disrespect you as they get older. It’s NOT ok!
What comes to your mind when you see the word, "parenting"? I'm sure a lot of mixed emotions. It can be a love/hate thing that goes on in your mind. And only because welove our kids so much that we hate some of the choices they make. We want them do what is right and when they don't it hurts, not only them but us, and sometimes the pain is unbearable.
I have experienced this kind of pain as a parent many times, as I know many of you have as well. But regardless of the pain, I would never change the privilege of being a parent!
As our babies become teenagers and seem to need us less, which, by the way is NOT true! The need is just different! They need us to be someone who listens to them more, not someone "telling them what to do" with a finger pointed at them, yelling! As a teenager this is the time they need us the most. Life is tough for them, pressure is all around to do things they don't necessarily want to do. And hey, sometimes they do want to do things they shouldn't. But that doesn't mean they don't need us, their parent, fighting for them. Just make sure the "fight" isn't with them. I know that can be easier said than done! Boy, do I know that! And sometimes you do need to get angry, just NOT out of control!
If you've been struggling with your teen and your not pleased with the way you have handled certain situations, something I always say to do, and will continue to say, is, sit down and TALK. Have a for real CONVERSATION! How do you do this if your teen refuses? Of course there are several ways you can handle it, but what is going to be the most effective way? You may need to take some time to truly think about that. What works for one family may not work for another. One thing I do know, is a humble person asking nicely does wonders. You may need to try a few different approaches. You may want to write down the things you want to talk about, to help you stay on topic instead of going in ten different directions. And as you "listen" remember NOT to take things they say personal.
One last thing...don't beat yourself up! Parenting is not an easy task! Stay with it, don't give up!
I would like to welcome all who are going to read this and the other posts that will follow!
When I became a teen mom, I wanted to talk to other teens about what it was like having a baby. Two kids and a divorce later, I was actually given that opportunity to do just that, with the Pregnancy Resources. I counseled and spoke in the schools presenting the abstinence program, and was given the name, "The Sex Lady".
What struck me the most, besides letters written to me from the students on a regular basis, was them telling me, from almost every school I spoke in, "I wish you could talk to my parents about this." After I stopped working at the Pregnancy Resources, I designed a parent workshop, that I presented a few times. Then in 2015 I took a Growth Coach course from Lifeforming and redesigned the "parent workshop" to the Let's Talk About "IT" Workshop! Which I am very excited to present time and time again!
The Let's Talk About "IT" Workshop is NOT:
The Let's Talk About "IT" Workshop is for parents, and anyone who wants to connect with teens. The unique element of this workshop is its interactive fun that parents/adults will be engaging and participating in. I would like to go as far as to say, it's unlike anything you have participated in when it comes to going to a "conference." That's why I call it a "Workshop", because it won't be something you go and sit at and take notes for four hours...that constitutes as boring, NO THANK YOU!
I look forward to seeing you at a Let's Talk About "IT" Workshop soon! Always keep a look out for dates or you may contact me to book a workshop on my contact page from my website, shawnapartlow.com or message me on Facebook.